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The Truth About Men: The Secret Side of the Opposite Sex, by Ian K. Smith
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Men don’t have glass heads. What’s going on in there? Do they mean what they say? And what are they not saying? Why does anyone in a relationship with a man have to spend so much time wondering what things “mean”? Is it good that he called instead of texting? What does it mean that he introduced me to his sister but not his mother or his best friend? Why hasn’t he said anything about my birthday yet when it’s two weeks from now?
Finally, a man who knows what’s going on in there has written a book to decode men for you. It’s rich with insight and action you can take today to make your relationship better tomorrow. Smith’s fascinating, sometimes surprising topics include:
--The Subtle Art of Hooking Us (men really do want to be in committed relationships, even if they don’t always show it)
--Beauty Matters (but beauty may not be exactly what you think it is)
--Beware of Titles (why you shouldn’t label yourself his “girlfriend” until certain conditions are met)
--Sex is More Powerful than an AK-47 (but it doesn’t always have to be a home run)
--Mean What You Say (and why sex lies are always—always—a bad idea)
--Know how to Listen and What we Care About (it doesn’t matter if you buy the yellow pillows or the blue pillows but that doesn’t mean you don’t matter)
Any man who picks up The Truth About Men will nod in agreement, and any woman who puts its insights into practice will have an instantly happier mate and a stronger, longer relationship.
- Sales Rank: #1792601 in Books
- Published on: 2012-04-10
- Released on: 2012-04-10
- Format: Bargain Price
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.56" h x .80" w x 5.93" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 208 pages
About the Author
IAN K. SMITH, M.D., is the number one bestselling author of The Fat Smash Diet, Extreme Fat Smash Diet, The 4 Day Diet and Happy. He is a medical contributor on The Rachael Ray Show, host of the nationally syndicated radio show HealthWatch on American Urban Radio Networks and served as the medical/diet expert for six seasons on VH1’s highly-rated Celebrity Fit Club. He is also the creator and founder of two far-reaching national health initiatives -- The 50 Million Pound Challenge and The Makeover Mile. Dr. Smith was recently appointed by President Obama to the President’s Council on Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
THE FIRST PRINCIPLE
THE SUBTLE ART OF HOOKING US
There’s a big misperception that men never want to be in committed relationships if we can help it, and that we prefer to have the freedom to date a harem of women. Not so. We want to be in a committed relationship, but it has to be with the right woman at the right time.
LET’S START WITH a simple truth. Men don’t want to feel like they’re being hooked, especially in the beginning of a relationship. This has something to do with our innate desire for freedom and our need to feel like we’re in control. Not to say that we’re not open to the idea of settling down and being satisfied in a monogamous relationship with you, but the second we detect that these are your intentions, we either stop returning your phone calls or start figuring out ways to escape without hurting your feelings. Understanding the basics of how we think in this situation will go a long way toward producing the results that you desire. So don’t judge what follows as being politically incorrect or rude. Be warned that this is not about what’s right or wrong, respectful or disrespectful. This book is about one thing—the raw truth.
The Physical Matters—Period
Forget all those relationship expert columns that tell you it’s most important to your man that he first see what’s in your heart. Bullshit. It’s most important to see what’s inside your clothes. Now, before you scream, “Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig!” listen carefully. I’m not saying that we need to get into your pants right away in order to enjoy your company. But I am saying that men definitely need to know that you have the goods and that you take care of yourself. To put it bluntly, a guy’s first interest in a woman has nothing to do with the handbag she’s carrying or that she graduated from an Ivy League school. What your (potential) man wants you to know but won’t tell you is that his initial attraction is all about your appearance and physical being, which sends a flood of highly charged testosterone racing through his veins. Yes, the physical is first, and we’re not saying we won’t eventually fall in love with your intelligence, kindness, and humor. These extremely important attributes are the ones that will ultimately be critical in helping you hook us. But in the beginning the number-one attribute is what you look like and how well you take care of yourself.
The glossy magazines that litter the newsstands do a real disservice to you all by defining beauty in such a narrow way. A quick flip through the pages and it’s boringly obvious that most of the models and celebrities featured in these magazines are really a variation on the same theme. The truth for us men, however, is that beauty is diverse and idiosyncratic. (Great news for you.) Some of us want the well-endowed woman, while others are repulsed by the surgically enhanced. Some of us want tall and slim, while others want short and curvaceous. Some of us want you to have some “junk in the trunk,” while others want it small and tight. There really is some truth to the saying, “There’s a lid for every pot.” The challenge for most women, however, is finding that fit.
For some the search can be long and difficult, and for others it can be quick and easy. A lot of variables go into the length, ease, and success of that search, but the one thing that will boost your efforts is how well you present yourself. It’s imperative, especially early on, that you look your best every time we see you, at least for the first few months of the relationship. This is not men being vain or superficial. Unless your father is Bill Gates, how you look is the strongest magnet you possess. Your hair must be done, your nails neatly painted, and your clothes should highlight your assets and hide your liabilities. Loose sweats, uncombed hair pulled back under a baseball cap, and rundown Ugg boots are fine once the relationship is in high gear, but definitely a turn-off when at the beginning. In our minds, if you are not making the effort to look your best when we barely know each other, we dread the thought of what you’ll look like a couple of months into the relationship.
The Unnecessary Pressure of Titles
Let the royals care about titles. One of the biggest mistakes you can make during the early hook is to suggest or even hint that things have started to formalize by assigning the labels “girlfriend” and “boyfriend.” Even if you feel like things are going in the right direction and that your relationship is getting more serious, there’s an extremely wide gulf between just being someone you’re dating and someone who has been officially proclaimed a boyfriend. What your man wants you to know but won’t tell you is that affixing titles to the relationship too early is like holding up a cross to a vampire. We will often run fast and hard when we feel like we’re being boxed into something we don’t want or is too premature.
So, what’s the resolution for you if calling him your boyfriend and yourself his girlfriend means a lot to you? The first option is simply to wait until you’re absolutely sure he feels the same way about making it official. Often we give subtle signs to indicate we’re ready. If we start talking about dating you exclusively, you can take that as a sign. If we introduce you to our close friends on several occasions, that’s a solid sign. If we let you stay in our apartment when we’re not there, that’s a really good sign. The number-one sign that we’re ready to go formal—we invite you to dinner with our mother. (Yes, it’s our mother that counts for this one, not our dad.)
If you’re not satisfied with waiting for our signs, or you think you might not be able to read them, here’s something you might try that could get the ball rolling faster. Be advised, however, that if you don’t do this with the proper amount of skill and cool, then it can dramatically backfire: When he calls you up and asks if you want to go grab something to eat or catch a movie, don’t answer him right away. Take a deliberate pause, and in your most apologetic voice say something that will test him. “I’d love to, but one of my girlfriends has been trying like crazy to get me to meet one of her brother’s friends, and we were supposed to all get together tonight. I don’t want to go, but I feel like I owe it to her since she’s been trying so hard to make this happen.” What comes next is critical. You need to listen very carefully and might need to read between the lines of what he says. Here are some of his possible responses:
A. Okay, fine. Well, have fun and call me when you want to get together again.
B. You’re going on a blind date? What’s up with that?
C. Oh, I didn’t know it was like that. I guess I should be going out with other people, too.
D. If I’m not enough for you, then no biggie. It’s probably best we not see each other anymore.
E. So you were just gonna go out on this date and not tell me?
There’s a lot you need to take in with each of these responses, and how you handle them can work in your favor in a big way.
(A) Depending on his tone, he’s either jealous but doesn’t want to let on, he’s neutral and it’s okay, or he’s pissed off and doesn’t want you to see how angry he is. This isn’t the most optimal response, because now you have to do a little detecting to figure out what he’s really feeling, whether you need to nurse his wound or accept that he really doesn’t care, in which case he’s probably out there dating others so he’s not going to give you a hard time. Your next step is to figure out what he wanted to say but didn’t. Once you figure this part out, then you can react accordingly.
(B) This response gives you a perfect opportunity to bring up whether you’re officially girlfriend and boyfriend without his feeling like you’re pressuring him. Say to him in your most innocent voice, “We never talked about dating exclusively, and technically I’m not even your girlfriend, so I just figured it wasn’t a big deal to you.” Now the title issue is on the table, and he has to address it directly since he’s the one who had a problem with your going out on a date with someone else. If you get this response, you are in a great position to stick in the hook.
(C) Once again you have a prime opportunity to bring up whether or not things have gotten serious enough to go exclusive as boyfriend and girlfriend. See your response in B.
(D) His ego has definitely been bruised. He wants to tell you that you mean more to him than someone he’s been casually dating, but he’s having a hard time saying it. Rather than get into a back-and-forth about being more into you than you are into him, he makes the decision to just cut ties and run. Once again you have a chance to reel him in (as he has now exposed a vulnerability), but you must be strong and patient as you do so or he might slip away.
(E) Needless to say, this is a response from someone who is not exactly delighted about the current state of affairs. This response could go a couple of ways, so listen to his tone and make a judgment call. If it sounds like he’s really upset and thinks that you were “cheating or being sneaky,” first you need to calm him. Once this is accomplished, then you can introduce the possibility of taking the relationship to the next stage. But you must be careful. If he’s really upset and becomes reactive or irrational, now is not the time to have the conversation about formalizing the relationship. H...
Most helpful customer reviews
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
The Truth Is
By reviewsource
The truth is that the guy who wrote this book, that guy and all the guys like him, those are the men you really want to stay away from. I only read the sample and this book advises to establish relationships on insecurity, childish behavior and lies. Ladies if you truly want a good man in your life then get a real one, not a selfish, shallow, brainwashed man that apparently doesn't want honesty from his future wife. Seriously, why would you want to rehearse and put on a show for the person you think you'd like to be with for the rest of your life? You should value yourself and your time on a deeper level if that's the case. Be yourself so you can find the right partner for your life, the person that suits you, the one that's worth making an investment in because he compliments you! Furthermore, since when did we lose our minds and base our logic on what immature people think and do? We are better than that, men and women!
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Horrible Truth About Selfish Pigs, But Not Truth About Men!
By Chickie DT
DO NOT buy this book or borrow it from the library, unless you enjoy the shock value that someone actually has these pig-headed ideas and was allowed to print them in a book.
Might be good for men who want to remain full of themselves (and single), but it does a disservice to women who want to know about men. Women: stay far, far away from this book and any man who identifies with the things in it.
Actually, it might be a good guide for women on the red flags to look out for when you are in a relationship with an a**. If you want to use it that way, it could be informative. Just read the bolded text throughout the book (should take about 15 minutes) and you'll get a good idea of what to stay clear of.
15 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
if you want to feel bad about yourself, read this
By Falyn L.
If you are in the mood to feel degraded and disgusted, skim through this book. It's sad to see a relationship guide published in 2012 that is this misogynistic, especially since it claims to empower women. The sections on birth control and women's appearances turned my stomach. My stomach, by the way, is not completely flat, which according to this book makes me repulsive. Even gorgeous women with "a small bump and no actual rolls of fat" are fatally flawed. "If you have a pooch, even a small one, please do what it takes to keep it hidden." Everyday, always, so as not to be a constant turn-off to men. And your teeth! If they aren't perfect you better get some veneers...
And it has no index... readers can't be warned off by entries like "pooch, repulsiveness of" or "belly bulge, distastefulness of."
See all 59 customer reviews...
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